Today, I finally felt that I could start to go through some of mom’s drawers to move some things out. I started simply with just the socks and undergarments. While emptying the first drawer, this music box began playing spontaneously. Can’t help but feel that Mom’s spirit was encouraging me.
Thankful for these little reminders.
“Mom, if you’re really here like people say you are, then you better show me because I’m not feeling it. How about you find that tiny screw for me?”
Grief is a non-linear set of emotions that Swiss-American psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross described as having five stages that ebb and flow across the lifespan following any significant loss. In her seminal work, On Death and Dying, she identified the stages as denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance (1969), and later acknowledged that some people may not experience them or might not undergo all five (Health Central, 2022).
My own grief after her death centered heavily in the anger stage. I feel robbed by her autoimmune disorder of what I hoped would become a different kind of relationship in which Mom and I could interact freely, in person, rather than by phone calls and letter-writing. In a sense, I grieved the loss of our “normal” relationship as long as she was sick. My grief stage while she was alive was most prominently centered around denial. Even though I grew up from the age of nine with her disease, after becoming an adult, I set my hopes on her becoming well enough to engage more freely in the things of life together. I naively believed that one day, we’d be able to watch movies or cook meals together. I felt deep remorse over not having this while she was still here. For many years after leaving home, whenever I attempted an impromptu visit, Mom inevitably called the next day to say that she got sick after I left. I did not want to be the cause of Mom’s suffering, so this led to fewer and fewer in-person visits; I felt guilty for not attempting to see her more often. I also felt isolated at key times of life, such as when my children were little, and while I went through a difficult breakup. Mom was always ready to listen over the phone and help in her ways, but I could not just show up at her home and be with her.
There is a certain comfort and healing that comes from simply being in the presence of a trusted loved one without the pressure of conversation. Comfortable silences can be a language of understanding in a relationship. Telephone calls are not the best substitute for in-person relating because they presume a need to converse. Remaining silent for more than a few seconds often leads one or the other participant to conclude a phone call. One of the things that I grieve and feel angry about is that Mom and I never grew in our adult relationship with each other to be in each other’s presence, existing as our authentic selves, near to each other, and just being. Our phone calls, though cherished, became sounding sessions for my issues. She wanted to hear what was happening in my life, so I spoke. She did not often discuss what was happening in hers, mostly because she did not wish to “burden” me. Yet mutually bearing burdens is how relationships grow, and ours did not have that opportunity until Mom was actively dying and she needed my help during home hospice. For most people, hospice lasts about six months; occasionally, a hospice patient will live more than a year while receiving palliative services and treatments for their incurable conditions. President Jimmy Carter offers a good example of someone on the longer side of the hospice survival spectrum, having been in a hospice program for fifteen months at the time of this writing. President Carter entered hospice one month before Mom did and was still functioning at an unprecedented level when his beloved, Rosalyn, passed away in November 2023. Like many patients, though, Mom lived for only a few weeks after entering hospice, and I was only able to be with her, in person, for the last seven days of her life.
In reflecting on her life and our relationship, I have self compassion for the fact that I’m angry about what was lost. I look to a time of acceptance, but for now, I take solace in the notion that anger is an energy (Lydon and Laswell 1986, Lydon 2014) that can potentially avert its alternative, depression.
After Mom’s death, my middle child and I installed security cameras at her house to keep an eye on things when we couldn’t be there. A few weeks later, during the first battery change, I dropped one of the cameras’ tiny set screws into a rock bed below. I wasn’t feeling Mom’s presence at all and wondered about other people’s experiences, saying they felt their loved ones around them. I got down on my stomach to search for the screw amidst a whole bunch of decorative stones and was pretty sure it would be impossible to find. I started talking [ranting] and demanded, “Mom, if you’re really here like people say you are, then you better show me because I’m not feeling it. How about you find that tiny screw for me?“
Well, I dug and dug and never did find the screw, but after a few minutes, I flipped over a certain rock, and what did I see? An engraved message from Mom. If not for dropping that screw, I really had no reason to be digging around down there, with such close attention, for many months, maybe years. I was indeed moved by this and felt her silent, guiding presence. It wasn’t as I expected it to be, but truly, her love felt tangible in that moment.
The engraved stone that I found in a rock-bed at Mom’s house.
References
Health Central, LLC. (2022, June 7). The five stages of grief [blog post]. Accessed on May 20, 2024 from https://www.healthcentral.com/condition/depression/stages-of-grief
Kübler-Ross, Elisabeth. (1969). On death and dying. The Macmillan Company, New York, NY.
Lydon, John. and Laswell, Bill. (1986). Rise [Song]. On Public Image, LTD, Album. Virgin and Elektra.
Lydon, John. (2014). Anger is an energy: My life uncensored. Dey Street Books/Harper Collins. New York, NY.
“I’m sure that no one knew how important it was to Mom that they were forming invisible bonds.”
Some years back, Mom discovered a hollowed-out oak at her favorite park near home. Despite years of breakdown and decay at its base, sprigs of new growth stretched up towards the sky, reaching for the warmth and light of the sun, and that resonated with her soul. Mom began leaving little trinkets inside the cleft, and before long, others were leaving mementos and notes, too, and a beautiful rapport was established between strangers. I’m sure that no one knew how important it was to her that they were forming invisible bonds. For Mom, writing notes and letters was vital because she couldn’t spend time in the presence of other people due to her autoimmune disorder. She could take solo walks in nature, though, and here is where she found renewal.
As interactions between herself and other visitors to the tree increased, so did her elaboration of decor. With every turn of the seasons, she tidied up the old things and added something new and whimsical to the battered trunk.
She sent me pictures of her handiwork via text but never said exactly where the tree was located in the 84-acre wooded park. This was the picture she sent to me in December 2022, during her final outing when she visited the tree for the last time and decorated it for the yuletide.
When things settled after Mom’s death in April 2023, I set out to find her tree, and with a little help from the guiding spirit, I came upon it, not too far from a walking trail, but looking a bit disheveled after five months of neglect.
It was truly delightful to discover her special place. I cleaned everything up, read all the notes, and came back the next day with fresh flowers and trimmings.
I have been returning periodically to refresh the decor. This spring, I found that several dozen trees were cut out of the area to make room for trail improvements. I braced myself for the possibility that Mom’s tree might have been taken down with the others, but happily, it’s still standing.
On Mom’s birthday, I brought a gift and left it for whoever felt the need to take it. That would have been how Mom would have loved a gift to be shared. I kept going back to check on it, and four months later, nobody had taken it. The box itself was full of goodies and even included $60 cash. No one ever took it, so I brought a friend to the tree whom I knew to be in a hard place in their life and offered the gift to them.
Someone left this note, which has given our family a reason to send healing thoughts and prayers for their safety and well-being. I hope our readership will also send warm, loving, and healing energy to these folks and all their loved ones as well.
Today was the most lovely spring day to go out for a long, meandering bike ride. The sun was shining, temperatures in the mid-50s, with a light southerly breeze. I took my time going about twenty miles and stopped in by Mom’s tree to see what was new. How wonderful to find this letter addressed “to family of this mother“. I can not express how touching this is, and I’m thankful to be the recipient of this altruistic love. It is an extension of Mom’s good work in the world. I hope the park planners will continue to let this old oak flourish despite its broken-down looks. It is a healing place for all.
Pleasant words are as an honeycomb, sweet to the soul and health to the bones ~Proverbs 16:24
In 2012 I had a bicycling accident that resulted in compound dislocations and fractures of my tibia and fibula requiring an open reduction internal fixation (ORIF) surgery the same day. Fortunately, the injury was not extremely painful, and quality orthopedic care was accessible.
Content Warning: photos of dislocated and fractured limb and post surgical scars.
While sorting through Mom’s papers this week, I came across the program that she wrote up for my recovery. Here is what she recommended, and what I felt to be helpful in healing quickly and completely. I have an acquaintance who is a long-time orthopedic nurse that came to the hospital to see me while I was recovering. She’s one of those people who is always razzing others, and she was sure to point out that I should expect my leg to look like a stump for the rest of my life. But with the help of Mom’s healing recommendations and diligent physio-therapy, the inflammation completely dissipated, bones healed, and definition returned to normal within three months, and I have not had any episodes of pain, swelling, or aches in the area since it healed.
Nutritional Helps
Increase daily calories: inflammatory processes put increased metabolic demand on your body and more nutrients are needed to act as substrates to rebuild tissues. The severity of injury dictates the increased energy needs: “long bone fractures…may increase your basal metabolic rate by 15-20% over the course of several weeks. If your basal metabolic rate is 2,000 calories a day, that’s an extra 300-400 calories…” (Schlag, 2014).
Increase protein: both animal and plant-based proteins are beneficial. Feskanich, et al. (2004) found that consuming fish at least once a week was associated with a 33% reduction in the risk of hip fracture and Papadimitropoulos, et al. (2002) found dietary protein intake to hold an important role in growth, development, and maintenance of bone.
Increase green vegetables: which are high in absorbable calcium and vitamin k1, both of which are known for their roles in bone health and repair (Sim, et al., 2020).
Consume raw local honey: which decreases inflammation, helps form new collagen, reduces swelling, and is clinically proven to promote healing when applied directly to wounds. Additionally, consuming honey increases the absorption of calcium, improves bone density, and provides pain relief (Ooi, et al., 2014, Tashkandi, 2021). Mom’s notes quote Proverbs 16:24 “Pleasant words are as an honeycomb, sweet to the soul and health to the bones.”
Things to Avoid
Avoid alcohol: Some people point to the barley in beer providing silicon to help bone healing, however, consuming two or more alcoholic drinks per day can have a negative impact on bone health by impairing the body’s ability to produce new bone cells known as osteoblasts. Alcohol can delay healing, increase the risk of complications, and interfere with pain medication, making it more difficult to control pain. (Cathy, 2022).
Avoid smoking: Hernigou and Schuind (2019) report that smokers have an increased risk of fracture and experience more complications with delayed bone healing, even if they have already stopped smoking, because some adverse effects persist for a prolonged period.
Avoid pain medications: Coluzzi, et al. (2020) describe negative affects on bone remodeling and bone healing in animals exposed to opioids like morphine and fentanyl. Try to use other methods of pain relief such as alternating ice and heat, reducing inflammatory foods, ointments, relaxing baths, massage, and essential oils of lavender, frankincense, or cbd lotion. If opioids are necessary, keep their use to a minimum and rely on other methods between doses. For myself, my mood was negatively impacted by the post-surgical use of opioids, and I opted to forego them after the third day.
Vitamin Supplements
Chelated calcium and magnesium citrate: this will help with bone healing but also improves problems with teeth, muscle spasms, tendonitis and nervousness. Take three capsules once or twice per day for the first six weeks after injury, then reduce to one per day or a directed on the package.
Increase Vitamins C and D3: in a systematic review of eleven animal studies Barrios-Garay, et al, (2022) report that vitamin C (ascorbic acid) seems to accelerate bone regeneration without adverse events as measured by bone healing time, bone gain (mm) and bone density. 75-90 mg per day is recommended during recovery. Smokers should consume an additional 35 mg per day because of the increased oxidative stresses (Hart, et al. 2015). Aeschlimann (2011) and Gatt, et al. (2022) reported that while vitamin D3 is important for prevention of bone fractures, it does not consistently improve measures of bone healing in humans. The benefit of vitamin D3 supplementation following a fracture lies in prevention of further fractures. A wide variety of doses were used in the study populations including large single doses at the time of fracture, and daily doses between 700 to 1000 IU. None of the dosing methods were more effective for bone healing or growth.
Green Supplements
Barley Juice Powder: contains silica, an important trace mineral that has been shown to affect connective tissue such as collagen and the growth and mineralization of bone (Goldschmidt, n.d.). Two capsules, three times per day or one-two “shots” of fresh juice per day.
Nature’s Sunshine Products Ultimate GreenZone® Powder: a whole-food blend of grains, greens, and super foods featuring quinoa, amaranth, spirulina, chia, spinach, broccoli, kale, parsley, and horsetail. These super foods contain 25-30 times the calcium of milk per serving. Mix it with juice once a day. (See footnotes for navigational instructions at NSP website.)
Green supplements can also help with nervousness, hepatitis, and liver problems.
For Pain
Nature’s Sunshine Products Joint Health Ayurvedic Formula: authentic Ayurvedic formula, developed with herbs direct from India, and true to the Ayurvedic philosophy of restoring balance to the body. This formula contains herbs traditionally used to support joints and the structural system. Recommended to take two capsules with meals, three times a day (See footnotes for navigational instructions at NSP website.)
For Nerves and Relaxation
Blue Vervain Liquid Tincture: serves as a gentle help for debility and weakness. Traditionally used as a nervine (nervous system tonic) and is effective at easing bodily nervous tension such as stiffness in the back, shoulders, neck, etc., with a slight sedative effect. Helps the body release pent up energy and relax (Carpenter and Carpenter, 2015). Take a few drops under the tongue once per day.
Here are two pictures of my ankle after the cast was removed:
And here it is three months after the cast came off:
One of the best pieces of advice from Mom and a point of pride that she expressed about my healing journey from injury and surgery, was to keep a positive outlook. The timing of this injury could not have been better in regards to my life-status. Stress was lower than it had been at other times, social supports were in place, and I had recently adopted a beautiful Newfoundland puppy from our local shelter, who was such a dear girl to have join our family. Despite the events, I was able to focus on healing with joy and laughter. Mom always said that our hurt and sickly body parts can sense the way that we feel and talk about them. If we continually refer to our “gimp leg”, or that “bad knee”, it becomes a part of who we are and how that body part responds. By keeping our words as pleasant as honey, we encourage the subtle energies around those issues to respond with kindness in return. Instead of complaining about the bone break and surgical recovery, I found ways to talk about it with positivity by saying things like “my ankle is really growing stronger day by day“, or “it hurts at times but I can feel the bones and tissues knitting themselves back together just like they should.”
Footnotes:
After clicking the product links for Nature’s Sunshine Products listed in this post, navigate to the “favorites” link in the banner to find the specific products.
Citations
Barrios-Garay, K., Toledano-Serrabona, J., Gay-Escoda, C., & Sánchez-Garcés, M. Á. (2022). Clinical effect of vitamin C supplementation on bone healing: A systematic review. Medicina oral, patologia oral y cirugia bucal, 27(3), e205–e215. https://doi.org/10.4317/medoral.24944
Carpenter, J. & Carpenter M. (2015). Blue Vervain: Verbena hastata. [web page]. UMASS Dining University of Massachusetts Amherst. Retrieved on July 25, 2023 from https://www.localumass.com/blue-vervain.html#:~:text=Traditional%20used%20medicinally%20as%20a,%2C%20shoulders%2C%20neck%2C%20etc
Cathy. (2022, February 13). The dangers of drinking alcohol while healing a broken bone. [Blog post]. blacktailnyc.com/. Retrieved on July 25, 2023 from https://blacktailnyc.com/can-i-drink-beer-with-a-broken-bone/
Coluzzi, F., Scerpa, M. S., & Centanni, M. (2020). The Effect of Opiates on Bone Formation and Bone Healing. Current osteoporosis reports, 18(3), 325–335. https://doi.org/10.1007/s11914-020-00585-4
Eschle, D., & Aeschlimann, A. G. (2011). Is supplementation of vitamin d beneficial for fracture healing? A short review of the literature. Geriatric orthopaedic surgery & rehabilitation, 2(3), 90–93. https://doi.org/10.1177/2151458511408568
Feskanich D., Willett W., & Colditz G. (2003). Calcium, vitamin D, milk consumption, and hip fractures: A prospective study among postmenopausal women. American Journal of Clinical Nutrition, 77(2):504–511. [PubMed] [Google Scholar] [Ref list]
Gatt, T., Grech, A., & Arshad, A. (2022). The Effect of Vitamin D Supplementation for Bone Healing in Fracture Patients: A Systematic Review. Advances in Orthopedics, Volume 2023 | Article ID 6236045. https://doi.org/10.1155/2023/6236045
Goldschmidt, V. (n.d.). The ancient grain that’s good for your bones [web article]. saveourbones.com/. Retrieved on July 25, 2023 from https://saveourbones.com/the-ancient-grain-thats-good-for-your-bones/
Hart, A., Cota, A., Makhdom, A., & Harvey, E. J. (2015). The Role of Vitamin C in Orthopedic Trauma and Bone Health. American journal of orthopedics (Belle Mead, N.J.), 44(7), 306–311. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/26161758/
Hernigou, J., & Schuind, F. (2019). Tobacco and bone fractures: A review of the facts and issues that every orthopaedic surgeon should know. Bone & joint research, 8(6), 255–265. https://doi.org/10.1302/2046-3758.86.BJR-2018-0344.R1
Ooi F. K., Hung L., & He Y. (2014). Tibial bone mineral density, geometry and mechanical properties in response to high impact exercise and honey supplementation in rats. Asian Journal of Exercise and Sports Science, 11(2):11–24. [Google Scholar]
Papadimitropoulos E., Wells G., & Shea B., et al. (2002). VIII: meta-analysis of the efficacy of vitamin D treatment in preventing osteoporosis in postmenopausal women. Endocrine Reviews, 23(4):560–569. doi: 10.1210/er.2001-8002. [PubMed] [CrossRef] [Google Scholar] [Ref list]
Schlag, K. (2014, April 2). Nutrition And Recovering From Injury — Tips from the Research [web article]. Ultiworld.com. Retrieved on July 25, 2023 from https://ultiworld.com/2014/04/02/nutrition-recovering-injury-tips-research/
Sim, M., Lewis, J.R., Prince, R.L., Levinger, I., Brennan-Speranza, T.C., Palmer, C., Bondonno, C.P., Bondonno, N.P., Devine, A., Ward, N.C., Byrnes, E., Schultz, C.J., Woodman, R., Croft, K., Hodgson, J.M., & Blekkenhorst, L.C. (2020). The effects of vitamin K-rich green leafy vegetables on bone metabolism: A 4-week randomised controlled trial in middle-aged and older individuals. Bone Reports, Volume 12, 100274. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.bonr.2020.100274.
Tashkandi H. (2021). Honey in wound healing: An updated review. Open life sciences, 16(1), 1091–1100. https://doi.org/10.1515/biol-2021-0084
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